life; a game I play

I will die. But, I never know when I’ll die. I never know because I never know when I will let go of my life. Having lived for 16years and a week, I can count dozens of plans I made when I was young. As a child, I used to believe that when I have lived this long; I’ll have friends that to me are like Damon was to Pythias. Apparently, I draw a big, blank, and a bit oval circle in my mind when I count such friends. Plans like these, they are worthless. They are worthless because the game I play—life—is hard to win and yet easy to lose.
I’ve always dreamed my life like a fantastic game, a game which is fun to play, but too hard to win. My family of three was oriented toward making the game I play a fun one. Even as I trace the faintest memories I have—a picture or two of mother holding my hands as I walk up forgotten stairs—and the farewell father gave me this chuseok, I can’t recall my family working against me playing the game. And I feel grateful for that, and that gratefulness might help me win the game I play.
Being the only child of my family, I was granted favors and chances that others never got. Whereas I was granted the freedom to pour all the resources my family could afford into the game I play, my class mate had to share what his older sister left him with his twin brother. To feel the pressure is a dreadful thing. The pressure has helped me in realizing an important aspect of the game I play. It is not difficult at all to give up.
Still, I feel that I’ve acknowledged another aspect of the game I play. As much as people’s faith in my success at the game pressures me, it also assists me in winning the game. This is because the faith steadies me when I am ready to falter. When I let myself lose footing and give in to the pressure, the faith people have in my success at the game steadies my wobbling legs.
Life is the game I play. All people play this game. All people play this game at one time. I don’t know how it is for others, but to me, the game is steady as a rocking horse because all the faith people built on me throughout my life helps me up when I am ready to fall.